Please say a command…

Press the voice command on my cell phone, and this very nice lady robot asks me to “please say a command”…

“Call someone.”

“Did you ngyay ‘Call Shnguawn’?”

“No.”

“Did you ngyay ‘Call Ngyalice’?”

“No. I said ‘Call SOMEONE’.”

“Did you ngyay ‘Call Ngmillinda’?”

“No.”

“Sorry, command not recognized. Try again.”

“Call Judy.”

“Did you ngyay ‘Call Ngyennifer’?”

“No. I said ‘call Judy’.”

“Did you ngyay ‘Call Ngteddy’?”

“What? NO!”

“Did you ngyay ‘Call Ngyohn’?”

“Who is Ngyohn?”

“Sorry, command not recognized. Try again.”

“OK – I’m going to give you one more chance – “

“Did you ngyay ‘Call Thneven’?”

“What – wait a minu – “

“Did you ngyay ‘Call Ngyathy’?”

Deep breath…

“Did you ngyay ‘Call Ngyave and Ngyoni’?”

“NO!  I SAID ‘CALL JUDY’ YOU STUPID PIECE OF TECHNOLOGICAL NIGHTMARISH ASSEMBLAGE OF INHUMAN PLASTIC, PRETTY LIGHTS AND… AND… AND…AND… WIRE!”

“Sorry, command not recognized. Try again.”

“Aaaarrrrggghhhh!”

“Did you ngyay ‘Call Ngarny’?’

“Did you ngyay ‘Call Ngarny’?’

“Did you ngyay ‘Call Ngarny’?’

“No! I didn’t say ANYTHING!”

“Did you ngyay ‘Call Ngmary’?’

“Just shut up and leave me alone!”

“Did you ngyay ‘Call Ngyoan’?’

“%$#!& %$^&@#!*  /?():$#!@*&^%^&%$@!!!!!  *^%$#$*/–+?/>,:”&^%!!!!!”

“Sorry, command not recognized. Try again.”

Conversations With Judy – Episode 2: Hungarian Rhapsody

Queen… Muppets… Dinner with the kids tonight… Trying to look cool…

 ”Did you guys see the new muppet video with them singing Hungarian Rhapsody?”

Blank looks… Sudden outburst of laughter… … Milk through the nose…

 Composure…

“I think you mean Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Oh yeah. Well, Hungaria is right next to Bohemia.”

Spaghetti stuck half way down Jenifer’s throat… Milk back into the glass… ROTFLOBO…

“Isn’t it?”

How I Spent 5:37 AM This Morning

Well, it finally happened… After three and one half years in this house, I have finally done it to myself…

It started with the pool test.  You may remember the pool test – I prefer to think of it as a “Test Pool”, particularly since I haven’t had much opportunity to “clean” it in the past couple of weeks – it’s sort of… uh… dirty (gross).  But I digress…

And now, further digression…

The pool actually came with a filter, which I have run quite a bit, though not so much the past few weeks. It also came with a vacuum and instructions for it’s assembly and use.

Sadly, the instructions must have been submerged in some form of liquid at some point because the pages were all wrinkly and stuck together, rendering them useless.  But, after hours of searching Google and Youtube for a fresh set, I finally figured out how the thing goes together and operates. It would have been great except for the fact that the 18 ft. telescoping pole that attaches to the business end of the vacuum was not included with the kit. And it is not of the self-propelling persuasion.

Bummer…

End of digression #2…

Commence digression #3…

I, and sometimes Judy, have enjoyed having the pool outside these past few weeks since the family reunion at our house.  It’s great exercise, and I have figured out how to swim in a circle, so it’s almost like having an endless pool in the yard. With a little more practice, I could apply for a job as a dolphin at Sea World. 

Digression #3, sub digression #1…

I actually worked at Sea World at one point of my life (it was a third job at the time – we were in some financially stressed times).  I operated a gift stand just adjacent to the dolphin show.  I was exposed to 4 shows per day for months on end, so I know the routine, and I know I can do the job.

 End of digression #3, sub digression #1…

But summer is over, and the weather is starting to cool down around here, and it’s time to take the pool down for the season.  And, in it’s current state of “sparkle”, taking it down is probably a lot easier than cleaning it well enough that you don’t think you’re swimming in something more “natural” (read that “swamp”) than an 18 ft. above ground “doughboy” type swimming pool.

Without referring to further instructions, I have made the unsavory discovery that if one wishes to disassemble a swimming pool, one must first remove the water from that pool…

Fortunately, the manufacturer of the pool has acted wisely, and included 2 (two) drain spouts, conveniently located at the bottom of the pool liner. 

Unfortunately, the manufacturer of the pool conveniently located the 2 (two) drain spouts at the bottom of the pool liner (this , of course, was dictated by nature – water – and other stuff – runs downhill).

I say “Unfortunately” for the following reasons:

• The pool is 5 ft. deep.
• The pool was mostly full.
• The drain spouts open from the inside of the pool.
• I don’t have 5 ft. long arms.
• In order to open the spouts, I have to get into the pool.
• In order for me to open the spouts from inside the pool, I have to submerge my face a couple of feet into  the water/dirt/??? mixture.
• I cannot bring myself to do this.
• A cursory glance at the condition of the water in the pool, together with the fact that there are real, actual non-human things swimming in the water, convinced me that getting into the pool at this juncture is not an option.

This set of circumstances requires genius action.  And since the only genius in our house is Judy, and she wasn’t here at the time that I decided I was ready to embark on this great adventure, I had to come up with something myself…

BUT I came up with a marvelous idea all on my own.  Having watched a fair amount of television in my life, I once saw two criminals stealing gas from a car by using a hose and siphoning from the fuel tank…

There were only two things I had to overcome:

• They had to suck on the hose until it filed with gasoline in order to create the siphon, and the guy who  did that got a mouthful of fuel.
• They had about a 3 ft. hose.  All I have is a 50 ft. hose, and that is connected to another 50 ft. hose, and the connection is really stuck so I couldn’t get them apart.

However, genius that I am not, though reasonably intelligent guy that I am, I noticed that when I turned off the water with the hose still submerged in the pool during filling, water backed up and was released through the pressure release valve at the spigot. 

siphoning…  

From that point it was a simple matter to create the siphon through 100 ft. of hose, place the leaky end of the hose into 30 ft. of leftover 4″ drain tube and run the tube down the hill to the gully next to the driveway. 

This was last Tuesday night after work…

Indication that I am pathetically in need of something to do:

I must say, it’s been a rewarding experience watching the water level in the pool slowly recede throughout the week. Judy has been in San Diego for a few days, and I have thoroughly enjoyed reporting the progress on our daily phone conversations.  It’s now down to less than a foot deep, and I am beside myself with anticipation that it will be the next best thing to dry by tomorrow morning.

End of all digressions…

This morning at 5:35 AM, I awoke with high expectations! It was still mostly dark outside, but light enough that I knew I would not need a flashlight to see the level of the water in the pool…

And it was early enough (and dark enough) that the neighbors would not see me as I stepped outside and around the corner to the pool in what I will refer to as my “pajamas”.

So, at 5:37, I bounded from the bed, threw open the drapes, opened the sliding glass door, slid the screen door to the left and stepped outside into nature’s beauty…

Then I closed the screen door behind me, walked about 8 feet around the corner to my favorite “watch the water drain from the pool” post, saw that it was less than a foot deep, turned around and went back to the bedroom door.

Did I mention that our screen doors automatically lock when they are fully closed?

The Pool Diaries

Day 1 -

This pool is a test. This is only a test. If this had been an acutal pool, it would have come with a pool man… Or a pool woman… Or a pool kid… Or even a skimmer with a pole…

Day 2 -

Why does the water in the pool look like it was put there by a herd of incontinent horses?

Day 3 -

The leak seems to have abated a bit.. I wonder if there is a way to apply a patch under water… I have invented a way in my mind… All I need is a large tupperware container, some glue, some gasket material, a saw and some duct tape…

Judy just got home and asked me if the leak has stopped… It’s more of a long damp streak now…

I just tested the new skimmer with the four’ telescoping handle… I skimmed up three dead grasshoppers, four leaves and some other as yet unknown type of bug… I’m excited…

I have discovered that there are actually two deep ends of the pool… There seems to be some sort of hump in the middle… I wonder if it’s one of the horses… Serves it right…

The Guitar Wall, Or Just, “The Wall” – The Motion Picture

You’ve Seen the pictures!

You’ve read the comments!

You’ve been dazzled by the beauty of the printed imagery of one of the wonders of the modern age!

Now watch as the entire escapade comes to life before your very eyes in a new Major Motion Picture!

THE ACTION PACKED adventure through the South end of my office!

SEE – the instruments that never made me famous!

HEAR – the heart thumping narrative as you are guided through the deepest and darkest mysteries of my Inner Sanctum!

MARVEL – at the sight of what is actually the Neat and Clean part of my World Headquarters!

NOTICE – that I never point the camera in the other direction, for fear that the fire inspector might see it and come to pay me a visit!

A FULL 39 seconds in the making!

‘The Guitar Wall, Or Just, “The Wall” – The Motion Picture’

See it soon…

“YOU WILL BELIEVE a man can drill a hole in a wall and make something stick there…with a relatively minimal use of Spackle…” – Judy Kammerer